VINTAGE GET WELL CARDS

I’ll be honest. Sometimes I miss them.

And when I say them, I mean fabulous vintage cards with amazing graphics, vivid colors, and yes, sometimes even un -PC images.

Does that make me wrong?

Used to be when a pal got sick we’d send a note — either across the street, across town, or we’d put a stamp on the envelope and send it by snail mail.

Imagine if you’re bed-bound, be it with the sniffles or something worse, and you got this.

With this kind and cheery thought inside.

Or this.

I adore vintage cards, especially the Get Well Ones.

But finding a recent stash lately at Hollywood’s Antique Alley (a few of which joined my collection), it had me wondering.

Judging from the fact that half the vintage get well cards I find are clearly juvenile (many are covered with baby animals and glitter), back then were there that many many sick kids around needing cards?

What was the protocol back then?

Did you buy a card for any kind of ailment, or just the really scary ones (in which case I hardly think a glittered lamb is really going to be providing much cheer)?

If you’re a parent, ask yourself this — has your child ever received a feel better card?

And what about the fact that the rest of the Get Well Cards I see are like something created at a ribald cartoonist’s stag party?

Explain this one to me.

You open the card to read this.

What’s the correlation between her taking her clothes off and you feeling better?

(I can just imagine the wink-winks on this one.)

Or how about this one?

Okay, hold up. I really don’t get this one.

First, I think it’s strange that the artist has drawn the woman with the enormous fanny to look like a giant magenta trussed turkey sitting on a platter (above sharpened pencils?).

The use of artistic license or necessary for card story line?

Secondly, allegedly she wants her friend to get better so she can talk on the phone.

What kind of sickness does the friend have that she can’t even chat on the phone with a friend so clearly in need of telephonic communication? (Let’s just hope it’s laryngitis).

Who’d you give that card to?

Or this one that clearly makes light of alcoholic excess

— and includes an enabling send off?

Is this for your oft-hungover work buddy?

And then there’s this one.

I couldn’t resist buying it because it was so prettily tinted but with such weird connotations.

Who’s the market for this card?

Husband stuck in bed with the flu but lamenting the fact that he missed his annual fishing trip with his cronies?

Is it for fellas who dig watching women expose themselves?

And am I the only one creeped out that the fish is leering throughout?

Finding this card stash made  me realize something, though.

Sometimes I really do feel trapped between two worlds.

I’m so in love with the aesthetics and artificacts of the 1930’s-50’s, but  in truth I’m so bogged down in modern conveniences and pace that most days I cannot fathom getting out of my yoga pants or writing anything more involved than a grocery shopping list.

I wish things were different.

I wish I was different.

I’d like to find both the time and inclination to jot a note back to my dear pen pal Tracy who writes me religiously on beautiful old onion skin paper or airmail paper.

I wish I only read classic important books and never took stupid short cuts in cooking.

And I’d like a whole stack of notes and cards as sweet as these vintage treasures in my cupboard.

In my dream scenario, I would never, without exception, forget a birthday, an anniversary, a special occasion. Sending cards with long, chatty notes inside would be the rule, and I could be counted on as the gal who never resorted to the economy or laziness of an emailed congrat or salutation.

And without fail, I always remembered an ailing friend with a terrific feel better card.

But let’s be real.

There’s a reason why my calligraphy pen and forever stamps are collecting dust in my junk drawer.

I’m lazy, rushed and overwhelmed. Pinterest and Words with Friends? You’re not helping any.

I guess I’ve come down with a bad case of modern day distractions and I’m forever feverish with frivolity.

Is there a cute card for that?