HALLOWEEN DO’S AND DON’TS

It saddens me deeply to have to say this, but I think it’s about time somebody set some ground rules for Halloween treat giving.

I mean, really.

Case in point.

Let me show you what I found at 5 a.m. when I was looking for a little treat with my coffee. My kids know that I work hard and as such, I’m free to rifle through their Halloween candy on occasion when the need arises.

(Lest you think I’m a monster, let me assure you that my kids make it very clear from the onset which pieces are sacred and hence untouchable. Consequently, I’d rather gnaw off one of my own limbs than see the look of reproach on Charlotte’s face if I’d disregarded this cardinal rule and eaten any of her Caramilks or over-sized candy bars.)

Got it?

So there I was, in the early morning darkness looking for the tiniest of treats to go with that morning coffee and I found something unusual in my daughter’s stash.

Not properly caffeinated, all I saw was the “oatmeal cookie” part and I opened it, thinking it’d be this close to a granola bar.

How wrong I was.

I failed to notice the sweet potato part in the description and in that nanosecond between when I actually tasted it and when I spit it out, it struck me that it tasted exactly what I think TJ’s dog biscuits taste must taste like, too.

What in the name of God were these?

Apparently Bitsy’s Sweet Potato Oatmeal Raisin Smart Cookies.

Complete with Vitamin A, various Vitamin B’s and veggies, because somebody apparently thinks that’s what American kids should be eating in a cookie.

What kind of person puts this out for the kids to enjoy?

Her dim what? Idea?

If you’re going to be such a Grinch that you cannot give out a decent treat for the wee ones, why not just turn out your light and forgo the handing out of treats entirely?

I’m stunned that we’ve sunk so low as an eating nation that on the one night a year neighbors treat neighbors with something fun, someone had to stoop so low as to hand out SWEET POTATO OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES.

As if the taste wasn’t bad enough, the letters they put in there failed to make a word that I could see.

Or did they?

I’m not sure what letter I spit out, but I thought it brilliant that this combination was what was left in the bag.

As an avid Scrabble, anagram and cryptograms player, however, I take offense to this whole throw-some-haphazard-letters-in -a-bag thing.

Shouldn’t the letters they put in spell actually spell something out?

Like letters describing your treat choice: l,i,l,d,a,v,d,e,i,s (ill-advised) or once unscrambled, explain the texture t,s,d,s,a,u,w (sawdust)?

I mean for heaven’s sake, if you are going to be so virtuous as to present a veggie cookie (aka brain food/snack product/faux treat), is this the best you can come up with?

If Bitsy’s is all about brain food, why not at least swap flavor for a new vocab word?

Infuriated by this treat affront in my house, I rifled through the kids stash to be sure that there was no more of this tomfoolery lurking about.

I was further flummoxed by the fact that there were apparently two neighbors who similarly thought that these sweet potato biscuits were a good idea on Halloween.

Kids lunch box treat maybe for some (though my kids would kill me if I tried it), but HALLOWEEN treat?

Think I’m kidding about how awful these are?

Get a load of this.

I raced to my container of Sweet Potato Dog Biscuits and compared them side by side. Mind you, it’s about three dollars for a couple pounds of these at Trader Joe’s — and my dog likes them.

He likes them because he’s a dog, and he can’t eat Snickers.

Behold.

I broke up his biscuits and placed them alongside Bitsy’s cookies and guess what?

They smelled the same, were the same color and consistency, and if my dog’s biscuits had been cut out in letter form, they would be indistinguishable.

Why on earth are people giving out prettified dog biscuits as Halloween treats?

Does the thought of bestowing a peanut M & M on a stranger one time a year fill them with dread?

Do they need to tell other people’s children how they must eat — and what a proper treat must look and taste like?

Heaven help us all.

I can’t be the only one who thinks that in this PC world some of us have gone too far.

Reset, please.

This is what I gave out — for those who came early or late enough to get it (sorry, we were out in between).

Trick or treaters received one full-sized bar or three smaller ones, including the option of the always-underrated-but perennial-favorite Caramel Apple Lollipop.

For those who were sweet-ed out, I had other options.

Chips are always appreciated by trick or treaters. 

The good news about doling these out is that any leftovers are saved for special movie nights (we have family ones with killer sandwiches or give Oliver and his friends the basement for Teenager Nights).

And when I say this is a good choice I’m not joking; last year I had one fifteen year old boy see the Frito bags I was giving out and he almost cried, saying his parents almost never let him have chips (of course, upon hearing that I gave him two).

In the hopes that this message might reach anyone who may have been led astray by the Health Police and Anti-Treat Scrooges scouring our land, a few very basic reminders for Halloween treats for next year.

DO:

1. Give something you’re proud to give out — and you yourself would be interested in enjoying later.

Not only is this respectful, it’s also smart. Leftover Halloween treats can be something to embrace — not look at with scorn.

2. As the night progresses, don’t be afraid to give out multiples, especially if what you’re giving out is small.  

This year my kids were given out full-size bars by some and yet only one tiny individually wrapped candy by others. What??

The second time I saw a singular Starburst being given out I wanted to make my kids walk back up to the door and return it (luckily, my kids are more mature than I am and took it quasi-gratefully).

Single tiny candies are stingy.

C’mon people, I’ve had splinters bigger than some of the Tootsie rolls I saw handed out this weekend.

You can do better.

3. I give you bonus points for the salty — or the unusual.

One house gave out big bags of sourdough pretzels — a great call.

Another house, mini Heath bars and Caramilks. People, I applaud you.

And now, perhaps even more importantly, the Dont’s.

1. Do not give out any treat with more nutrients than say, a bowl of quinoa.

This is no longer a treat and you should avoid at any cost. Save these for the office lunch room or the trunk of your car– as in for emergency use only.

If you do want to avoid the whole candy option, there are lots of respectable places for you to go.

These are items most parents and kids can live with; same so for Pirate’s Booty, peanuts or fruit leather.

There’s not one reason on earth that anything you give out on Halloween should contain dehydrated sweet potato or organic pea protein (thanks, Bitsy!). No reason. Period.

Have I made myself abundantly clear here?

2. Do not leave lights on if you’re not there or don’t want to answer the door.

If you’re out, make it obvious by turning out the lights. If you’re home but don’t care to answer the door, I’d check your tires the next morning.

You’re forcing people to waste steps — and invoking disappointment — and this is just plain stupid and wrong.

3. As I have said before, if you’ve ignored everything I’ve told you and your giveaway is still something that could be confused with a dog treat (refer to pictures above), please turn out the lights and go to bed.

It’s just not right to force your dogma on my treat seeking missile.

Know someone who’s confused by these simple treat-giving rules? Help them. Educate them. It’s only one night, they’re not your kids (give them Bitsy’s if you want) and friends don’t let friends do this to others.

It ain’t right.

Have  you ever seen the health code signs in restaurant front windows (like in L.A)?

For those not familiar, restaurants must display their grade given to them by the city based on cleanliness and adherence to codes and laws of the area. An “A” assures you that it’s a reliable bet while the “D” let’s you know to be very careful.

Portlanders, is it about time we do the same for houses who are particpating in Trick or Treating?

Here’s how I’d do it.

Full-size candy bars, cool snacks, and friendly people, with bonus points for  great attractions: A+ to A.

Most other houses: B to C- minus, depending on quantity and quality of treat selection.

Houses like the one this year that only gave out hard candy and what I suspect was last year’s candy? D.

And dolers of Bitsy’s Brain Food?

Not only do you flunk the test, but be grateful my kids couldn’t remember which house was yours.

Just sayin’.